Consistency

Of the dozens of professionally produced behavior modification systems I have read and the hundreds of situations in which I have applied those behavior modification systems, the single most important component that all successful systems employ is CONSISTENCY!

An infraction of the rules (the structure) earns a consequence every single time and that consequence is the same whether you are having a “bad day’ or not.

An Example: Fred has talked back (shown disrespect) to his parent and has earned a 10 minute timeout today. Tomorrow, the parent gets a speeding ticket and then a flat tire, if Fred talks back then it still only earns him a 10 minute timeout (he didn’t ‘cause the parent to speed or flatten their tire). As Fred grows older he should learn that timing and situations (other’s emotions) can effect consequences, but not at a young age. Let us be honest if you mess up at work, depending on the supervisor’s mood you may get a warning, a write up, or let go. Our job as parents is to prepare our children for the real world, not an idyllic one, but only when they are ready to process that information.

While we are discussing age appropriate consequences, it is important to remember that your child (all children) are still developing physically and mentally. Consequences like many things must be tailored to fit their age and understanding. I could write volumes on the inappropriate things people expose their children to when the child is not equipped to process it. An example might be something as simple as the news, what child needs to be or should be concerned with the ongoing horrific situations in the Middle East? (Even if they do not see the videos, just hearing of a beheading is too much). Yet some parents expose their children to movies or TV with violence, crime, or sex in them. One elementary child I worked with shared with me that his dad’s favorite movie was Kill Bill and that the child had watched it with dad several times.

Back to being consistent…

When modifying behavior, in almost all cases, the negative behaviors will get worse before they improve. This is the child pushing limits, testing your resolve, and it should be expected, even if the child does not know what they are doing or why.

If you persevere, remain consistent, it will get better.

Goals

Just like Stephen R. covey wrote in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People let us “begin with the end in mind.” It is hard to meet a goal if you do not know what it is, kind of like driving your car without knowing where you want to go.

As I wrote in my introduction, I assume you want your child to become an independent, productive, and positive member of society. What does that even mean? Take a moment to envision your child in the future, say at 19 years of age. She has graduated from high school (good job mom and dad), but where is she headed now, College, Military, or straight into the workforce? None of these are the wrong or bad answers, it depends upon the person she has become, or is becoming. Notice that living at home and letting mom and dad pay her bills was not an option. There are many reasons for an adult child to continue living at home, but all should include contributing to the household in a manner befitting an adult, including paying her part of the bills and doing her fair share of the house work.

The question really is, did you, as a parent, prepare her for the world and life as an adult?

Ok we are still envisioning your child all grown up and I hope you see a healthy, emotionally stable, and responsible person. Someone who pulls his or her weight and generally has something to add to the situation whether it is at work, at home, or in the community. Our look into the future shows that we are working towards a responsible, accountable, and independent person. Unfortunately, you cannot just tell your child to be responsible, accountable, and independent with any expectation of success.

You will have to teach, reinforce, and model these traits and then with some luck your child will begin to internalize these traits and take them to heart. Get used to hearing teach, reinforce, and model behaviors you want to foster in your child, as I will state it over and over.

While you are beginning to understand what your goals are for you and your child, it is important to remember that there will be setbacks, rough days, as well as out and out failures. Your goals should include an understanding that success with children often looks like, “more good days than bad ones.” Yeah it really is that simplistic… Your goals should also change and become more complex as your child grows and takes on more responsibilities while enjoying more privileges.

It will be your job to set limits for your child and it will be their job to test those limits. I intend to teach you to pass that test most of the time. 

Welcome to this blog about parenting.

 Here I hope to help you navigate the lovely, but chaotic waters that come with raising a child.

 Why you may want the advice I have to share.
I started my career (learning process) with children over 21 years ago. I started working in Residential Treatment Facilities for chemically dependent adolescents and graduated to working with emotionally troubled (traumatized) children of all ages. Eventually, I began fostering children in my home, many of which were too troubled for most foster homes and headed to the afore mentioned Residential Treatment Facilities. I found my way into the school system, where I was a part of an earlier intervention in the lives of at-risk children. I also found time and energy to raise a family.
While many parenting experts have raised a child or 4 and have served time in an academic setting (classroom), I have raised and cared for 42 children in my home and worked with hundreds of others from the victimized introvert to the raging abused teen. I know what works and what is just politically correct drivel.

 I have to make several assumptions about you while writing this blog/course. The first being that you and your child do not suffer from mental or emotional disability (IE chemical imbalance or dependency) in other words you and your child are in good working order and just need some help with behavior (hopefully BEFORE the negative behavior starts). If there is emotional disturbance or intellectual issues behavior modification is still very doable and you will still benefit from the advice contained herein, but you may need addition techniques and/or help.

 The second assumption I make in writing this is that you want to raise your child to be an independent, positive, and productive member of society. To raise a child to be anything other than the best they can be is selfish and borderline neglectful. Remember you are not raising someone you want living in your home at 32, your child is not a doll, and you are not raising a friend. You can make friends in other ways. You can buy a doll (often cheaper). If you want a live in companion, advertise in your local paper.

 If these assumptions are correct and I have not offended you too badly, then please check back here often for new advice on raising a pleasant, polite, independent, and responsible child.