Consistency

Of the dozens of professionally produced behavior modification systems I have read and the hundreds of situations in which I have applied those behavior modification systems, the single most important component that all successful systems employ is CONSISTENCY!

An infraction of the rules (the structure) earns a consequence every single time and that consequence is the same whether you are having a “bad day’ or not.

An Example: Fred has talked back (shown disrespect) to his parent and has earned a 10 minute timeout today. Tomorrow, the parent gets a speeding ticket and then a flat tire, if Fred talks back then it still only earns him a 10 minute timeout (he didn’t ‘cause the parent to speed or flatten their tire). As Fred grows older he should learn that timing and situations (other’s emotions) can effect consequences, but not at a young age. Let us be honest if you mess up at work, depending on the supervisor’s mood you may get a warning, a write up, or let go. Our job as parents is to prepare our children for the real world, not an idyllic one, but only when they are ready to process that information.

While we are discussing age appropriate consequences, it is important to remember that your child (all children) are still developing physically and mentally. Consequences like many things must be tailored to fit their age and understanding. I could write volumes on the inappropriate things people expose their children to when the child is not equipped to process it. An example might be something as simple as the news, what child needs to be or should be concerned with the ongoing horrific situations in the Middle East? (Even if they do not see the videos, just hearing of a beheading is too much). Yet some parents expose their children to movies or TV with violence, crime, or sex in them. One elementary child I worked with shared with me that his dad’s favorite movie was Kill Bill and that the child had watched it with dad several times.

Back to being consistent…

When modifying behavior, in almost all cases, the negative behaviors will get worse before they improve. This is the child pushing limits, testing your resolve, and it should be expected, even if the child does not know what they are doing or why.

If you persevere, remain consistent, it will get better.